Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Zombieland hits Miami

Instagram won't let me forget that we had a minor zombie apocalypse here in Miami this weekend. Naked zombies. Two men were spotted buck nekid, one eating another one's face. When a witness flagged an officer to conquer the obviously hungry man, the officer commanded him to “Stop". Right. This is my favorite part; the man looked up at him and GROWLED like a creature, and continued his meal of a man. The cop had no choice but to shoot, but you know what zombie did? He pulled a Scarface and took the shot, and continued.

I feel like this isn't a big enough deal. I'm watching CNN at work and they're talking about the first lady planting cucumbers. That's cute but I think someone should let them know that naked men are eating naked men over here. And not in a kinky 50 Shades way!      

This is my home.. I can't wait to hear what Pitbull has to say about this. I was aware that #MDW #WEEKEND #OMGQUENOTA was going to be a pretty hectic weekend at the beach, but never did I imagine we would be dealing with naked zombies. Luckily I’ve profusely watched Zombieland in case shit got real. Here’s what I’ve learned:

#1 Cardio: Trying to look cute for a summer body? Now you've got other shit to worry about.This attack has given me more of a reason to never skip boot camp class again. Don’t be the guy who dies because he lost a foot race with a zombie.

#2 Double Tap: Don’t throw your gun and shout you’re a baddass, no matter how proud you are of that head shot. He’s going to need another. The report says the officer had to shoot multiple times till he shut down. *Insert re-loading sound here*

#3 Bathrooms: This is not the time to be classy. If ever an attack, pee in your pants. No one is judging you.

I’m going to have to modify rule #4 Don’t be a pank. (Only because I want you to save me, if anything.) “Yo?! No yo me quedo aqui pipo. Meng, he’s eating  A FACE. El tipo ta loco!" Please promise that if someone is going in on my face as if it were a pan con bistec, you will try and stop it? Throw rocks. A vase. Hose the guy down with water. SOMETHING.   

#8 Kick Ass Partner: After you've found one, feed him. This could have probably been avoided with a happy meal.

A rule of my very own #9 Nudist: How could this have been avoided? Simple. Why were these blokes pitter pattering their balls down the boulevard? There was a sign from the start. Naked people are up to no good.

#12 Paper Towels: Brain, blood, vomit, puss, spit, flem, the WHOLE mucus family. Besides you're probably a little sweaty and full of piss.

#15 Bowling Ball: Because you might get bored after you've whooped some ass.

#18 Limber up: Stretch and prepare. Make sure you're carrying a fully charged iPhone battery. Not only do you want to save your face, practice bowling a little, and get back to taking shots with your friends, you also want to Instagram it.

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