Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Zombieland hits Miami

Instagram won't let me forget that we had a minor zombie apocalypse here in Miami this weekend. Naked zombies. Two men were spotted buck nekid, one eating another one's face. When a witness flagged an officer to conquer the obviously hungry man, the officer commanded him to “Stop". Right. This is my favorite part; the man looked up at him and GROWLED like a creature, and continued his meal of a man. The cop had no choice but to shoot, but you know what zombie did? He pulled a Scarface and took the shot, and continued.

I feel like this isn't a big enough deal. I'm watching CNN at work and they're talking about the first lady planting cucumbers. That's cute but I think someone should let them know that naked men are eating naked men over here. And not in a kinky 50 Shades way!      

This is my home.. I can't wait to hear what Pitbull has to say about this. I was aware that #MDW #WEEKEND #OMGQUENOTA was going to be a pretty hectic weekend at the beach, but never did I imagine we would be dealing with naked zombies. Luckily I’ve profusely watched Zombieland in case shit got real. Here’s what I’ve learned:

#1 Cardio: Trying to look cute for a summer body? Now you've got other shit to worry about.This attack has given me more of a reason to never skip boot camp class again. Don’t be the guy who dies because he lost a foot race with a zombie.

#2 Double Tap: Don’t throw your gun and shout you’re a baddass, no matter how proud you are of that head shot. He’s going to need another. The report says the officer had to shoot multiple times till he shut down. *Insert re-loading sound here*

#3 Bathrooms: This is not the time to be classy. If ever an attack, pee in your pants. No one is judging you.

I’m going to have to modify rule #4 Don’t be a pank. (Only because I want you to save me, if anything.) “Yo?! No yo me quedo aqui pipo. Meng, he’s eating  A FACE. El tipo ta loco!" Please promise that if someone is going in on my face as if it were a pan con bistec, you will try and stop it? Throw rocks. A vase. Hose the guy down with water. SOMETHING.   

#8 Kick Ass Partner: After you've found one, feed him. This could have probably been avoided with a happy meal.

A rule of my very own #9 Nudist: How could this have been avoided? Simple. Why were these blokes pitter pattering their balls down the boulevard? There was a sign from the start. Naked people are up to no good.

#12 Paper Towels: Brain, blood, vomit, puss, spit, flem, the WHOLE mucus family. Besides you're probably a little sweaty and full of piss.

#15 Bowling Ball: Because you might get bored after you've whooped some ass.

#18 Limber up: Stretch and prepare. Make sure you're carrying a fully charged iPhone battery. Not only do you want to save your face, practice bowling a little, and get back to taking shots with your friends, you also want to Instagram it.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

In honor of Mother's Day

All throughout elementary and some middle school I was that girl who wore her hair in a ponytail her whole life. I listened to Tupac and looked up to anything my older brother did. High school brought out the girl in me. I wore make up on a regular basis and started caring about boys. That is girly enough, right? Now... Mid-college, where I think I've become somewhat an "adult", I have this silly 9 to 5 job with fancy women who make me question my ways more than I usually do. So I ask myself, what makes a lady, and how close am I to being one?

I love beer. I feel like I'm supposed to love wine because I own a sparkly vagina, but I don't. Keep the stained smile; I'll take the beer belly. Something about grabbing my sweaty bottle by the neck makes me feel dominant, and ignorant to rules like, "Place your napkin on your lap, cross your legs at all times, smile at strangers." I'm concerned; do I lose lady points with every sip of my beer? I don't match my nails with my toe nail polish, apparently that's somewhat of a crime, call the fashion police. I don't ever have a hair or nail appointment to tweet about. My outfits consist of whatever makes my ass look good (and hides my cellulite). Sit down for this one ladies, I wear gold and silver.. at the SAME time! Oh no!

In this really exciting job of mine, and I said that with my sarcastic voice, my ratio of friends are more men than women. Not because I'm a whore, no. But because we have things to talk about. Such as, movies, events, delicious fatty foods, being hung-over, how hot Scarlette Johansson is. Now with girls? I turn into
awkward penguin when you guys tell me about how your manicure went. What am I supposed to say to that?! Every topic I bring up, you girls turn into a cluster fuck. If I tell you about my lunch, you tell me how you're cutting down on bread and I should be doing the same. I ask you about the baby shower you went to that you've been excited about, you tell me that her outfit was ridiculous and the theme "didn't match for anything in the world, ugh". I was looking forward to stories about how the open bar had you taking shots like your name were Kobe Bryant. Or, how you danced so hard you would've sworn it was a scene from "You Got Served", but fine.

I feel kind of left out even. At times that I begin to lose myself in these very well-mannered women at work, I look at these specific pictures of my mom at a baby shower, drunk. Her hair is a more than a mess; she's wearing my little cousin’s baseball hat of a team she probably can't pronounce. In the middle of a serious dance move, in other words she looks flawless. She is my example, she is what reminds me that it's alright to be opposite of "one of the girls". While my mom is a free bird, the dull girls are in the background of the pictures. Sitting down with their legs crossed, probably talking about how the theme "doesn't match for anything in the world, ugh"